November 12, 2018
Lately, I’ve been dealing with a couple of things mentally. Things I wish I could cast out and not have to worry about. As anyone else would, naturally. Both stem from being insecure. And the infuriating part is I know that’s what they are based in, but I still continue to have issues in these two areas.
The first is my reliance on what other people feel about me. There is the super cliche saying, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I wish I could understand that and implement it. But I care (way too much) about what people think about me, if they like me, if they don’t then why, etc. I want people to like me, and if I feel they don’t I obsess over it. I want to investigate it by talking to people who seem like they are on good terms with them. I try to be overly nice in every interaction I have with them. If I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, I overanalyze every single interaction and try to figure out what I have done to cause them to feel that way about me.
One of my assignments in rehab was to write a love letter to myself. It was meant to be a way to explore and process my self-worth and why I place it all in others. I felt it would help me, but even when I go back and look at that letter, I still don’t see it. I’ve always concerned myself with those who seem to not like me. I know it is rooted in insecurity, but just knowing that word is what this is, doesn’t help me break through to my own mind. It sounds absurd that I know this but can’t seem to do anything about it.
The other issue I find myself dealing with, and it is somewhat related, is that I constantly feel like I’m bothering people. If I don’t get responses rather quickly, I feel like I’ve pushed people away and annoyed them. It’s especially prevalent when I am texting people. This instant gratification world of electronics is a huge factor I’m sure. But I find myself texting someone and in the middle of a conversation they just disappear. It always sends my mind racing.
Why did they just stop texting in the middle of the conversation? Are they annoyed with my texts? Are they annoyed with the topic? Are they just tired of me? The line of questions can be endless. Even if they do say that I’m not bothering them, I don’t believe it most times. The very next time I sense a pause in communication, my mind goes right back to it again.
You can see the vicious cycle this creates. I ask if I’m bothering them then I think they don’t like me. A neverending cycle that pushes people away. Both of these can coexist within the same situation. It seems crazy to be able to write this down but still not be able to do anything about it.
I’ve asked my sponsor about it and hopefully, I can get some guidance. I’m also open to any guidance from others as well. I also recently started a new drug cocktail to work on my bipolar disorder. I’m hoping that it can help my anxiety and insecurities as well. Here’s to hoping I can be a normal, sane human who can accept things as they come. That seems so far off though.