HOW GOES IT?

August 14, 2018

I was planning on a completely different type of post 3 days ago when I first started drafting this one. But, as is the case with anyone, much less someone who lives with Bipolar Disorder, things change rapidly. Things have been working better for me lately.

 

My original attempt at this post a few days ago was full of fear and uncertainty. I wasn’t really sure where I was going with many things in my life. How I was going to test my balancing act with my moods, how I was going to figure out how to stop drinking, how I was going to figure out friendships and relationships, and more.

 

So I did something that comes hard for me, I just stopped thinking. I stopped trying to plan every little detail of my life out and instead decided to live in the moment. I’ve had a “gentle” nudge in that direction from a friend who saw me at my worst, but still somehow decided to stick it out with me. Tonight was a very big step in my ability to just be in the moment.

 

The way my mind works I always have to be in control and always have to know the next step, or 10 if I’m being honest. Tonight, just being there, hanging out, breathing in and out. Sitting on a couch and watching TV. Nothing fantastically exciting. Just BEING. Being in that moment, and then topping it off with a brief “serious” conversation at the end of the night really put a lot of things in perspective. Maybe not so unbeknownst to this friend, but it really helped me realize the next step didn’t matter. The here and now matter the most.

 

Breaking the major things down; I haven’t made it past a 24 time period yet where I haven’t had a drink, but I am at least on the other end of the pendulum with my depressive episode. I’m not proud that I haven’t stopped drinking, but something I am slowly learning is to not just live in the moment like I mentioned, but also celebrating my small victories.

 

I have made some amazing new friends as of late, ones that make me smile and feel good about myself. I have begun to learn to let go easier. I am really working on separating my personal and professional life (still a huge work in progress since my personal life is so intertwined with my professional life). And just trying to stop putting expectations on every single thing, especially friendships.

 

These are hard ass things to work on for me. I live open and with my heart on my sleeve. I never want to live a cold life, but I want to live one where I’m not making myself more vulnerable than I have in the past.

 

I just recently found a song that sums up my current status in life. It’s one that touches on quite a few aspects of my life that I struggle with. I see it as a power anthem, even though it’s more of a ballad. I need to work on me and mine. The lyrics of this song have really proven true to my life right now. If you know me, you know I live through song lyrics. They help me convey messages I sometimes can’t find the words for. I will be keeping this song on repeat for a while.

 

I hope you enjoy it as much as I am right now.

 

And thank you to the person who really helped nudge me in the right direction. I owe you much.

You brought me up and pushed me out, you got me in time

And what we shared was beautiful but I gotta focus on my mind

All the dreams that we envisioned, they are gone now

The years gone by and you got lost in the corner of my mind

 

I got to, got to

Set the city on fire

I need to, need to

Letting you go now

 

I’m gonna leave you now

I gotta focus on mine

And I’m gonna lose my mind

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

 

You held me up when I was down, I was fragile

Forgive me not for letting go but this may be my only time

 

I got to, got to

Set the city on fire

I need to, need to

Letting you go now

 

I’m gonna leave you now

I gotta focus on mine

And I’m gonna lose my mind

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

 

Say my name, take my body too far

Say my name, I will overcome

But I believe there was shame

My blood is flowing

 

I’m gonna leave you now

I gotta focus on mine

And I’m gonna lose my mind

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

But it’s not you (nobody, nobody)

 

Focus (Netsky Remix), Elias

(Sidenote; I am still working on getting the majority of my posts put back up after my web host lost them all. I am working from a 9 month old backup so there will be several that I will never be able to recover.)