Lately, I’ve been dealing with a couple of things mentally. Things I wish I could cast out and not have to worry about. As anyone else would, naturally. Both stem from being insecure. And the infuriating part is I know that’s what they are based in, but I still continue to have issues in these two areas.
It took me a while to figure out what to post first after I came home from rehab. I finally decided on a letter I had to write as part of therapy and groups. A big focus of the rehab center I was open mic days where everyone was given an assignment and had to present it to the community. This was difficult for me at first, but progressively got easier as I went through them. But, my first one was a doozy of an assignment.
I was planning on a completely different type of post 3 days ago when I first started drafting this one. But, as is the case with anyone, much less someone who lives with Bipolar Disorder, things change rapidly. Things have been working better for me lately.
These last few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions, to say the least. I have been in a severe depressive episode for the better part of a month now, and one that eventually led to my relapse. I have been off the wagon for over a week now. I detailed it in my vlog the day I decided to drink. I made it to nearly 6 years of sobriety and still thought it was a good idea to pick up a drink. I wish I could say I stopped at that one day, but it’s been an ongoing thing ever since. The scary part is I fell right back into so easily.
Mental Health Awareness Week was earlier this month, and there have been several suicides lately in the media from celebrities who suffered from mental illness. So I wanted this to be my first secret. I live with Bipolar Disorder. It affects my life greatly, from my interactions with others to my overall security in myself. A general flow of mental illness runs in my family, as is the most common case with others who deal with mental disorders daily. They range from bipolar, to depression, to autism, and more. I think I have successfully described about 75% of the country right there. And that right there is what bothers me so much about it. The fact that so many live with mental illness, but we still have this stigma attached to it.