ANEW

December 31, 2018

There’s always something about the turn into a new year. This last year has been a very difficult year for me, and starting new seems like an amazing concept at this point in my life. I have battled some of my worst demons this year in ways I never thought I would ever have to. The biggest demon of which was my sobriety.

 

This year I almost made it to six years of sobriety. But stopping my meds and one very bad depression trip, I relapsed. I relapsed hard. I was drinking nearly a liter of vodka a day, every day. It affected my work, my relationships, and my life as a whole. I drank for nearly 2 months before I ended up in rehab to see if there was some way I could fix this.

 

That experience was eye-opening and enlightening and helped me realize I needed to make some major decisions and changes in my life. I was surrounding myself with things that no longer served me. Things that were harming me in ways that I chose not to see before.

 

Although rehab helped, I relapsed again recently, right after I got 3 months of sobriety under my belt. I got depressed and really didn’t like what was going on in my life and thought that was the answer. As I write this I have twenty-six days of sobriety. That was an even bigger eye-opening experience. I didn’t follow through with what I planned on after I left rehab. I let it continue to influence me and it led to me falling right back into alcohol.

 

This time around I know there’s no room for the same things in my life and there is no other option than to make those changes. I thought I could just let them slide under the radar, but I was wrong because I relapsed again. I HAVE to do better this time. There is no other option. No other way. Not if I am going to survive this disease and live a happy and fulfilling life.

 

Part of that change was the possibility of quitting the blog because I thought it was becoming very self-centered and not helpful to anyone but myself. I thought about it a lot and consulted someone very close to me about my writing, but ended up deciding to keep writing after all. I’ve just set a plan for my writing to be more healthy and helpful to others instead.

 

A part of that new mindset is me erasing all of my previous posts and starting completely fresh. A blank slate to build my new life on. I want to tell my story, but on my new journey, and from this fresh new perspective. I want to share the changes I need to make going forward. So in that frame of mind, I am going into the new year inspired and determined. I hope I can help you in some way on this new path I am taking. Because it is going to help me.

Every tear, every doubt
Every time you’ve fallen down
When you’re hurting, feeling shame
When you’re numbing all your pain
When you’ve lost your way
And feel so far away
You’re not

 

You’re beautifully broken
And you can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn’t change whose you are
You’re worthy
Beautifully broken

 

Every fear of being loved
For who you are no matter what
When you’re stumbling, with each step
And you’re haunted by regret
And the darkness closes in
Just listen

 

You’re beautifully broken
And you can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn’t change whose you are
You’re worthy
Beautifully broken
You’re beautifully broken (beautifully broken)
You’re beautifully broken

 

Oh, the god who made the stars
Is the god that made your heart
And he’s holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars
Beautiful scars!

 

You’re beautifully broken
And you can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn’t change whose you are
You’re worthy
You’re beautifully broken oh oh
And you can be whole again oh oh yeah
Even a million scars
Doesn’t change whose you are
You’re worthy
You’re beautifully broken (you’re beautifully broken)
Beautifully broken (you’re beautifully broken)
You’re beautifully broken